Editor’s Note: Today, John “Dawg” Chapman is back with more drivers and sponsorship pairings made in Heaven (or somewhere south of that. Just a little light-heartedness before I start delving into team previews, predictions and other such serious business.
Now- we don’t go out of our way to make people mad, but be forewarned this post may contain material some may find offensive. Just keepin’ it real, and trying to avoid nasty emails.
Ok, Here’s round two of my attempt to find some desperately needed new sponsors for the coming season…
Jimmie Johnson….To say that J.J. and Lowes don’t fit isn’t accurate, but on the off chance that they’d need a replacement,
I think Geico would be a worthy replacement. I can see it now. Jimmie posing with 4 Cup trophies, made up like a caveman, while an announcer intones, "So easy a cave man could do it." This could even help his image.
On the other hand he could play to his image. A good associate could be McCormick Spice Co. He would be the perfect front man for their Pure Vanilla Extract.
I can see it now, “Cooking With Jimmie,” a book of Jimmie’s favorite recipes, featuring, you guessed it, (ghosted of course).
Jeff Burton….Caterpillar. If he needs a replacement, maybe the Republican National Committee would be good for him. That way he could get a head start on his post-racing career in politics.
A good fit as associate would be the National Alliance of Mayors. After all who better than the "Mayor" to speak for them.
Jeremy Mayfield….As it turns out he does need a sponsor, so why not the “D.A.R.E.” Program. I think he’d be much better received at schools to give anti-drug talks, than some fat cop.
An associate could be the American Association of Trial Lawyers. He could look straight into the camera and say " not only do I represent them, but they represent me as well."
Phil Parsons’ Prism Motorsports…. The excuse is that
they can’t come up with enough sponsorship to run the entire race. Come on guys, put some thought into this. The perfect answer is staring you right in the face. It’s Ampco System Parking. They are the largest managers of parking lots in the country-managing lots for airports, colleges, hospitals, events, etc. Parsons Racing, and Ampco are both parking experts.
He could pick up a motor oil as associate. I can see the commercial now, "30 races on this engine, and it still runs like new!"
David Reutimann…. Lets keep this in the family. As he came to Mikey, via D.W., and as they both are the most shameless shills in NASCAR, I’ve come with the perfect sponsor. Drum roll please………DIGGER! David could wear a Digger driving suit, with a brown balaclava with little brown ears. It’s not the "Chicken Suit," but close. This is something he could get his teeth into. I can see the sale of rodent memorabilia going through the roof.
A good associate would be D-Con. That way they have all the bases covered.
Ryan Newman….They’ve had trouble finding a full time sponsor, which is strange, because the answer is so obvious: Seinfeld, he’d look cute in a driving suit like a postal uniform. This would really boost the ratings for reruns of Seinfeld, and the millions of Seinfeld fans would boost the NASCAR numbers. Talk about a win, win!
As associate, who better than Michael Richards? He could go back into his “Kramer” persona. What a spokesman for NASCAR’s diversity program.
Marcos Ambrose….This is sooo easy, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already. Webber Grills- shrimp on the barbie, baby.
Associate- Rolf Harris. This deal could put “Tie Me Kangaroo Down” right back on the charts.
Scott Speed….This team isn’t doing so hot. In fact that’s like saying that the Titanic had a rough trip. In the spirit of if life gives you lemons, why not go with Rodney Dangerfield? At least until they can earn some respect.
For an associate how about the Chicago Cubs? They could put "Wait until next year" on the TV panel.
Elliott Sadler….He needs to be sponsored by the "Redneck Comedy Tour." This is one driver that is definitely going to have to "get ‘er done."
As associate? This spot is wide open. After the curly blonde wig, in the “Secret Agent Sadler” spots he’s proven he’ll do pretty much anything.
Juan Pablo Montoya….I’m telling you what, I was shocked this season. The Chase made a points racer out of JPM. I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it.
It did open up a new sponsor opportunity, The Society of CPA’s. An exciting sponsor, to go with the exciting racing.
Associate sponsor? This falls right in with the risk averse primary.
It’s the Hitchcock Belt Co. They make both belts and suspenders. They could wear both.
These are just a few off the top of my head. I’m sure you guys and gals can come up with others. Who knows? Maybe we could form a marketing group and all get rich.
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With the way Hornish was spinning himself out last season, maybe a sponsorship by a washing machine company is in order.
Another sponsor for Johnson would be Edy’s Vanilla Ice Cream.
Considering how excited Montoya got several times last year, maybe he should get Dr Phil as a sponsor.
Maybe the Navy’s submarine fleet could sponsor Robby Gordon. Since they’re known as “The Silent Service” and the networks don’t even mention Robby even when he’s running in the Top 15 or 20, it would reflect the silent treatment the networks give him rather well.
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