(Bump Drafts is pleased to introduce readers to the literary wit of NASCAR Nation’s lovely and talented “Mustang Jackie”, who we’ll be hearing from as time and inspiration permits)
Dateline: North Pole
By: Bernard P. Fife, Mayberry Gazette, Friday, November 28, 2008
Despite a slowing economy and record low tempatures at the North Pole, Santa Clause, CEO and Director of Manufacturing at Kringle, Inc. continues to work toward making Christmas the best time of the year. But he granted this reporter a few minutes for an interview.
Q: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule Mr. Clause to answer a few questions. So let’s get right to it. A lot of people are wondering exactly who’s wish it was that Jimmie Johnson win a third consecutive Sprint Cup Championship. Could you clear that up for us Mr. Clause?
A: You’re welcome Barney and it is nice to see you again. As you know, most of the request that come to my office are from young children, but I also get a lot of request from fans, teams and drivers of NASCAR. And it gets extremely complicated trying to grant each wish with no conflicts.
Q: Can you explain Santa?
A: Ok, let me start with Jimmie’s request. He did request a third championship, but Carl Edwards also asked for his first Sprint Cup Championship. Add the fact that Kyle Busch asked for a record amount of wins in a season, Mark Martin asked for another full schedule and Dale Jr’s request that everyone quit blaming Teresa for everything wrong in his career. On top of that, I had Tony Stewart’s request of being a Sprint Cup team owner and Ryan Newman’s request of driving a Chevy.
Q: Oh my Santa! That is complicated! How did you work all that out and keep everyone happy?
A: A lot of hours on the phone and tons of faxes. HO HO HO!!! Since Mark is always a good boy, his request was fairly easy. I called Rick (Hendrick) and asked that he give Mark a ride in exchange for a record amount of championships. And since I couldn’t give Carl the championship, I granted his wish of a sexy wife. And as a bonus, I made sure she was a Dr. in case he breaks something during one of his victory flips.
Since I knew Kyle couldn’t get the championship, I gave him his request of record wins in a season even though he was a very naughty boy at times.
Even though I warn everyone to be careful what they wish for, Tony went ahead and requested to be a Cup team owner. So through my network, I have informants everywhere, it was possible to work a deal with Gene Haas. He requested his wish remain confidential. Once that deal was done, it was relatively easy to find Ryan Newman a ride in a Chevy.
Add to the fact that I had requests from Jeff Burton (to be a CAT boy just like his big brother Ward), Micheal Waltrip (to go faster than his car number) and Kasey Kahne (people quit calling him Bozo The Clown because of that TV commercial) and you can see why it’s gets so very complicated.
Q: I never realized it was so much work for you Santa!! But moving on, how is work progressing on the SOT (Sleigh Of Tomorrow)?
A: Well, since we’re not included in the testing ban, we will continue to test at Area 51. Our biggest problem has been heavy wear on the skids. For example, I ran under cautiion on every delivery in Indianapolis last year. But we are working with Goodyear to solve that. Another problem has been the sleigh gets loose everytime I try to pass a 747. But I have Chad Knaus working on that during the off season. (His wish is to work on something faster than the #48!)
Q: Well Santa, it seems you have a very busy schedule all year. Is there anything you would like to add before we finish this interview?
A: I would like to thank all the sponsors for their support and all the boys back in the shop at the pole for all the hard work they do. And of course I have to thank my wife Mrs. Clause (formerly Candi Cane of Las Vegas, NV) for keeping me so jolly!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!! HO HO HO!!!!!
Photo Courtesy of Matti Mattila. See more of Matti’s photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mattimattila/
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Hey MJ…..very good…..great imagination……lovely interview with Santa…..can’t wait to see what else you post, time permitting……you sure have a knack for words..